That ones mine

Today robbie and I were waiting outside Lilas Sunday school class. I peeked in to check on her. She didn't see me, but I saw her. There she was sitting on the edge of her chair carelessly tipping back and forth. She had a pen hanging out of her mouth and was using her tounge to move it up and down. While aimlessly staring into space she periodically shook her head violently back and forth. All I could think as I quietly stepped out was. That's my kid. In the pure essence of her childhood weirdness that's her. If someone came up to me and was like hey which ones yours I would point to her. I'd probably single her out from the group by saying she's the one running circles around the table. Or that's her over there separating the hair accessories by color. Or she's the one climbing on the freezer doors attempting to Reenact George of the jungle.

I feel lucky that my kids are confident in themselves. They know what they can do and what they can't they try hard to. They don't filter much and they aren't very shy. Although Lila is a lot more reserved then queen Nahla. I often have to remind Nahla to "reign in the Nahla" since things can quickly go from casually looking at someone's household decor to pulling out a spare art kit she snuck in(only God knows how she accomplished that) and redecorating for them.

Today we were invited to a lovely Easter party at my brother in laws soon to be fiannces house. It was fabulous. I met some people but by time we were ready to head out I still wasn't familiar with everyone. After heading for the door robbie goes, "where's Nahla?" After looking around we find her talking to one of the adults in another room. Figuring she will be finished with her conversation soon enough I hang out a little longer. Without a care in the world she sits there chatting away to a complete stranger. Finally I go over to interupt and we head out.

So they are confident. They are social. but they are kids and kids can be weird. Super weird, more weird then adults.

And it seems to be they are always unleashing their peak craziness when you get to point them out to a stranger and say lovingly, that one is mine. I'm not kidding when I say that experiencing those moments of pure childhood insanity is one of my favorite parts of being a parent.

Jesse

Jesse is three months old and he is so happy! I think he's the happiest baby I have ever had. Nahla was pretty serious, Lila was really chill and he is just happy. He smiles so easily and responses well to everyone's love.
I can't tell you how happy I am about this. From about 4 weeks to 13 weeks he was just misrabile. He cried all the time. I felt horrible for him and spent most my time trying to calm him down. I was afraid he was destined to be a very upset baby. I seriously thought he might never be happy and there was nothing I could do. When I first started seeing those smiles I was thrilled to know at least part of his day wasn't anguish over an unidentifiable cause. Now they come all the time! The baby I thought would be the hardest to get to smile will crack one easy just by looking at him. I am seriously in love. I'm so happy to have him in my life. There are so many different feelings that go along with having a boy. I love all my children the same. I really do, I don't think favorites actually exist. But my love is different between the girls and him it's weird and I can't explain it. A good weird though.

Giving thanks

Back around thanksgiving Nahla made a thankful rock at school. You pass the rock around the table and say something you are thankful for. Since it sits on our dinner table it will occasionally make a few rounds at dinner time. The girls always say cute things. Like they are thankful for each other. (They really are best friends) or thankful for mom and dad. Somewhere along the line someone thought it would be fun to say what Jesse was thankful for.
Since I'm still nursing him he eats pretty often. Sometimes at the dinner table while I'm eating as well. And so during one pass of the thankful rock Lila says "Jesse is thankful for the boobie" and just busts out laughing. So does everyone else.
It doesn't end there. Whenever Jesse cries Lila will always tell me "he wants to eat the boobie" nursing is a pretty hilarious thing to them.

Another year older

Nahla is going to be 6 on Friday! I can't believe it's been six years! In honor of her birthday I decided to share current things about her.

1. Nahla wants to be a librarian or a Disney world toy seller when she's older. (She tells everyone her dad sells toys for a living. I think they think he has the best job ever)

2. Her favorite food is spaghetti. Any kind, beef, chicken. If it's got sauce and noodles she gobbles it down.

3. Nahla loves to create "fashions" she regularly draws dresses on paper or takes fabric out of my bin and creates dresses for herself or her dolls. She's even made some out of toilet paper. I've resorted to buying clearance fabric for her so my doesn't keep disappearing.

4. Nahla is a Girl Scout, feel free to order cookies come Jan 😊

5. She has to be the last kiss you get when walking out the door, or when she gets on the bus. She regularly runs out of the bus line for "one more kiss", sometimes multiple times until she's the last one getting on.

6. She loves doing crafts. Coloring, perler beads, fabric, painting, glue, sissors, glitter, she lives for that stuff

7. She love monster high, princesses, my little pony, littlest pet shop and palace pets

8. She still never sleeps

9. Nahlas favorite lunch foods include summer sausage, cheese, smoke fish and smoked salmon.

10. She likes to pack packages like her dad and will often sell things online for pretend.

11. She loves computer time and library at school.

12. Nahla is still really sneaky and tends to get into things she knows she shouldn't

13. Nahla loves Lila. They frequently say they miss each other throughout the day.

14. Her favorite artist is Katy perry and her favorite song is wide awake

I'm so happy to have Nahla in my life. Happy 6th birthday

Jesse Robert

I've never written down a birth story before, but there's a first for everything! I promise not to get too graphic!

my labors have always been pretty easy in comparison to others I've heard of. Lila was my easiest ever, we attribute this to her being such a perfect kid that she didn't want to be a burden even during delivery lol.

So I ended up going into labor on wed oct 14 2015 at exactly 37 weeks. I had been 2cm dilated and 50% effaced for about a week so I was extremely nervous that once labor started it was going to go very fast. Previous labors for me have been between 8-12hours. My Tuesday check up revealed I was dilated to 3cm and my doctor said I would probably deliver before the following week. The days leading up to Wednesday were terrible. I could tell it was coming soon just based on the fact that I felt tired, achy, sick to my stomach and over it. I kept telling robbie in the morning, I really thought last night was the night.

Early wed morning around 3am I woke up to go pee for the 100th time that night and started to feel contractions. By 5 am they had died down and I just felt crampy and tired. I woke up around 8 and tried to relax but felt super uncomfortable. Finally I called my mom and told her how worried I was that I might be dilating more and not realizing it. She suggested I call the doctor. They told me they could get me in to check around 2pm and would then decide if I should go to labor and delivery. Being the procastinater I am when it comes to packing (and nothing else) I showered and finished packing the girls bags and mine and off we went in 1/2hour. My doctors office confirmed I was still at 3cm and was welcome to go home. My doctor pointed out that I was having contractions and even though she wasn't on call that night to call her if I started to notice them getting consistent.

I decided to do my weekly grocery shopping a day early since I knew I wasn't going to be making it much longer. The girls and I filled up the cart and my contractions started to become more consistent. By time I made it home they were coming anywhere between 3-8min. Robbie had come home from work so we called the doctor, they ate some pizza and we called Robbie's mom to let her know the girls were coming over.

We dropped the girls off at Robbie's moms house and stayed for a little while so we wouldn't have to sit in the hospital instead. Finally around 7pm we arrived at the hospital and were checked in to triage. After the nurse checked me over she decided to send me walking for 2 hours to see if I would progress at all or if I should go home. So we walked for an hour and came back and then walked another hour and came back. In between she monitored my contractions and checked my cervix. Basically it felt like I was carrying a bowling ball between my legs for 2 hours while robbie distracted me. Towards the end of hour 2 I was on my hands and knees in the snack room while robbie kept saying just get your water to break, jokingly of course. Being in so much pain I couldn't stand up I told robbie I wasn't going home to sleep it off. A funny side note that evening we were signed up to take a tour of the birthing center. We made it for the tour, just not with the rest of the group. Surprisingly it worked. My contractions were closer together and I had dilated further so I was admitted. At this point I was pretty crabby and wanted an epidural. It was 11:30 when we got into labor and delivery and the anthestiologist was busy in a c section so I had to wait, and wait. My doctor showed up and wanted to break my water but the nurse quickly stepped in and begged her to wait until after I got my epidural. She must have seen the panic in my face. Finally they came in to place the epidural and robbie was allowed to stay in and watch for the first time. He said it made him sick and he felt extremely tingly. I've gotten an epidural all three times and I've never seen the needle.

The next hour was extremely comfortable until that tell tale sign shows up. The feeling like you have to take the biggest dump of your life. I paged the nurse and they started getting the room ready. This time I felt an extreme amount of pressure and burning that I never felt with my other kids. It was really uncomfortable and I had to fight the urge to push while we waited for the doctor and nurses. By time they arrived I was full on shaking and ready to go. I pushed about 4 times. Honestly it had the most to do with the fact that it burned like hell when I was pushing. I know people talk about being able to feel it down there when they have the epidural but I've never had that before only the pressure. So between the psyching myself out and saying it hurts I got it done lol. I feel so lucky that I've had such short pushing times. My doctor said my pelvis is made for babies which is why it's so easy. I feel terrible for women who aren't as lucky, especially after being able to feel it this time!

And so he was born oct 15 2015 at 1:39am 7.2oz and 19 1/2 inches. My smallest and earliest baby. He scored 8-9 on his apgar and after some persuading started to breastfeed perfect! He's been an extremely easy baby so far. He eats, sleeps, poops and repeats. I am in love. I am recovering really well. Besides the insane hormone rush I feel pretty well given the circumstances!

Honestly sorry if this is full of spelling errors. I literally texted this entire thing on my phone haha. With a baby sleeping on my chest who just peed out of his diaper..so that's all folks!

Side note-I'm extremely grateful for robbie. He has always kept me in a good mood when things get tough. This being a perfect example of his awesomeness. I'm also thankful for my mother in law who has taken and entertained the girls so I can rest and keep going! My nursing staff and doctors were amazing throughout my hospital stay and I'm so glad for such great memories!

Happy fall!

Today the girls and I went to fall fest. Our town does this every year on the last sat of September. Last year we weren't able to make it so it's been 2 years since our last attendance. I was pleasantly surprised this year. It was almost 2 times as big as 2 years ago! Everything was doubled and there were so many children activities! Totally in love and we look forward to next year. Unfortunately robbie had to work so it was just us.

They close down the road near the Main Street in town and set up shop. The girls were able to choose pumpkins to paint and decorate which they loved. Lila made a muno (yo gabba gabba) is her current obsession. The weather was super nice (70s) and sunny which is rare for wi. Afterwards we went over to the Home Depot booth. Every Saturday they have a kids workshop where they can build and paint a craft. We have always wanted to go but never had the time so it was nice to try it out. The girls both made wooden heart boxes (more like I made 2 of them) it was pretty frustrating lol. They had so many people squished on a table that when you nailed you had to be careful to not hit any little fingers or your own since the whole plastic table was shaking from everyone pounding hammers. I'm sure we will go to Home Depot at some point and do another because the girls loved pounding in the nails and gluing their box together. We decided to paint it at home mostly because I didn't want to carry wet paint boxes everywhere.

A local private school had free cookie decorating so we stopped there next.

We stopped at a local coffee shop in town that has gelato the girls love. Even on my sad weird diet I was able to pick up some dark chocolate frozen bananas which were soo good! The girls got their gelato and we did their pirate treasure hunt. They gave us a map to follow around outside until we found the x. The girls took a picture of it and back we went to claim their prize. Such a cool idea and they totally loved it! One of nahlas classmates were in the shop at the same time as us his mom brought up nahlas dragon. Apparently her show and tell on Friday was a hit with the kids!

We walked down to the new local daycare for our final stop. We grabbed some lemonade on the way and the girls got to play games (win candy) and get some snow cones.

I was impressed at the amount of free activities for the girls and they had a blast. Nahla asked when we can go again!

Woe is me

So I tend to not post negative things because really who wants to be a debby downer but I need to vent. Feel free to by pass this, I won't be offended.

This pregnancy has really blown for me. Honestly it is one crap show after another. Literally and figuritvely.

Back in my second trimester I decided to come off my ssris. I've been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and panic attacks. I've been on ssris for about 3 years and on and off benzos throughout that time period. Whenever I get pregnant they always want to mess with my doses. It wouldn't be so irritating except for the fact that they are not psychologists so most the time the advice is terrible. I started my pregnancy on lexapro and klonopin. I always drop the klonopin as soon as I think I might be pregnant because benzos and babies don't mix well. So lexapro is pretty safe..as safe as any other ssri really, but since my gyno (whom I love) has had access to more data on Zoloft she wanted to switch me. I agreed as I have switched ssris more then once. My dosage was also dropped during the switch. So my first trimester was a miserble existence between the hormones, withdrawal and start up of new meds. After waiting about a month to see if the Zoloft would kick in and work I realized that just wasn't going to happen. My panic attacks came back and the Zoloft gave me some gi problems i didn't want to deal with. So I told my doc I wanted off. She agreed to let me try it. I cut my doses for 4 weeks, which is honestly still a pretty fast comedown from ssris but I wanted to get it over with having gone through the withdrawal process before with celexa. So my second trimester revolved around me being extra tired, Anxiety, panic attacks, sick to my stomach, light headed, shaky and the famous "brain zaps" which basically just feel like you've been shocked in your head..it's almost like someone pressed a reset button on your brain.

Things looked up for a month or so and I felt like mostly I was enjoying myself although coming off an ssri can really mess with your anxiety levels. Essentially when you take away what's been controlling the serotonin your body has to readjust and your levels can be super messed up.

These past 4 weeks have been the worst!! Granted some stressful events have contributed to my overall well being but dang this is hard! I recently got test results back from my primary doctor because I was having gi upsets for 3 weeks. Namely diarrhea. A while ago I was diagnosed with ibs-a which is alternating between constipation and diarrhea. It was mostly controlled and I didn't have to worry to much unless my stress levels got high. So after ruling out any sort of parasite or bacteria my primary doc put me on a low fodmap diet for 6 weeks to see if it could help clear up my symptoms that he believes could be the ibs. If I had to compare the diet to something I would say imagine you got sent to hell, this diet would be what they served in the lunch room. It's satans food court. So I've been preparing double meals some nights because I can't bear to make my family eat the same bland garbage I've had to. (I'm on week 2) 4 more to go until I start to reintroduce foods and find allergies..horray!..not. If all else fails I'll be sent to a gi specialist, most likely after delivery. Right now it's unknown if the pregnancy has something to do with my symptoms so it's all kind of a shot in the dark. Because of my stomach issues my anxiety has shot through its small little roof. Panic attacks come whenever they want..like standing in line at the grocery store today. I basically am just at a breathe and deal point. Going back on ssris at this point will have me dealing with a months worth of symptoms while they start working and I'd like to try some natural products after dilvery to control the anxiety. Obviously most cannot be taken with pregnancy so I'm kinda at a stand still. Luckily I'm still feeling positive for the most part, despite what this blog says lol, and I'm hoping to get my body back fully functioning after i deliver.

Until then I breathe, eat my sad meals and make sure I have close access to bathrooms and Imodium. Horray for life and bodies!

On a positive note I have been cleared of placenta previa again! Which means I'm off pelvic rest and can hopefully get some stress relief via robbie.. Tmi? Sorry you got this far